“Praise nauseates you but woe betide those who do not recognize your worth.” –Dag HammarskjoldI’ve always loved that quote by the
2nd Secretary General of the United Nations. And now I attempt to discuss a commonly ignored topic – the ego and its accomplishments. We glide past discussing our pride in fear of appearing ‘condescending,’ a fear I’ve felt…
a lot. But it is my undergraduate commencement and in our culture of celebrating good work, it’s been hard to ignore.
I was invited to a Trustee Awards dinner for winning an award from my university. Dragging my best friend along (who so flawlessly introduced himself as ‘Amanda’s arm candy’), we drank too many free glasses of wine at a swanky downtown dinner gathering with the heads of my school. I felt awkward the whole time: surrounded by uptight businessmen who knew nothing about me expect for
the bio someone wrote about me using my resume as their reference. Really, what does my resume say about me?
After they honored the awardees, everyone left, shook hands and congratulated me. Still uncomfortable, I handed out my business cards to people interested in my work. While I take pride in my accomplishments and appreciated that my university is honoring how hard I worked, it did not feel genuine. They do not know me. They don’t know the young women I met that made me choose this work, how friends and professors who shaped me, the frustrating moments where I persevered, the damaging caves I slowly crawled out of, the newfound confidence I’ve gained… They know
nothing about me and how I’ve grown.
The day after, in the office of my adviser, she gave me the recognition I was looking for. She met me four years ago as I embarked on my undergraduate career and begun my studies in anthropology. She’s had me as a student and a teaching assistant. She has read my blog and listened to my travel stories. After reading the piece I’ve been working on for over a year, she said something – a compliment that was more prodigious than any lavish dinner on the 18th floor of a Manhattan building.
That is what I think of when I hear the Dag quote: this
praise, of wearing a blue commencement gown, adorned with medals and hoods to distinguish different accomplishments, is disingenuous. Being put up on a pedestal for ‘community service’ is insincere and almost contradictory (how does one give back to the community in service if they are above the community?). But the recognition of my worth by a close mentor is what I take pride in.
Of course I will not deny the award, and I will attend each of the honorary dinners; because I must ‘build up’ my resume in this culture. Instead, I will try to take pride not in the awards listed on the resume, but the smiles from my friends and family at my dinner after graduation. The confidence I now possess is my award.
