last weeks of the Explorer & Grand Canyon

The last two weeks on the ship were so hard.
I felt so confined -- what and when i ate was planned out, class everyday, a tiny tiny room and nowhere to escape to because the ship is so small considering there are 1,000 people living there. When i wanted to be alone, the room wasn't good because people would call or stop by or Jayme would be there. Then the lounge wasn't good because everyone is there, and the decks are cooooold at night. I just needed to do my thing and I couldn't. Once April came, we had very little time in between ports with a lot of homework. There was little time to process and think about the previous country we were in and little time to prepare for the next country. We had to get work done weeks before they were due just because we knew we would never get it done when we were in port. So it was tough school-wise. On land I had my own options, my temporary escape pods…

I missed Manhattan, going to the Met, having the choice to stay in or go out, laying in the park. Then a slight depression gave way for whole other issues of self-loathing. But God, the people I met on the ship were.. beyond amazing. There were so many great people that were there for me, even in my total drama queen states. They are so.. real. They are intelligent, sweet, classy, goofy, fun girls. They appealed to all of my many personalities. I can't describe to you how much respect I have for them.

Everyday of the last week was full of tears. We cried. Cried. And cried. And laughed. And cried. Laughed until we cried. Cried until we laughed. Ending classes with amazing professors, signing maps and getting cell numbers, closing statements from deans and students. The first week we lost an hour a day, every day and it was tiring. Then we repeated a day (may 2nd) but still had class. There were so many presentations and papers and tests going on and everyone was all over the place. Slowly but surely (okay maybe not so surely) I got through my exams in that week. I stayed up until 6 in the morning finishing a 10 page paper for my anthro class but I got it all done before Hawaii.


And there were good times: Ambassador’s Ball was fun. I gave a toast and danced a lot, surprise. I was on a panel to ask Tutu questions and helped start the Free Burma Coalition. We had a week on the ship and I had nothing to do. It was nice not to have a lot of stress. So I laid outside everyday, memorizing the sea. We stayed up late every night. One night Cristie, Mat and I started a dance party in the lounge then 50 people showed up. It lasted 5 hours!! Then Jika, Cristie and i had a private dance party, watched a movie, played card games and watched the sunrise without sleeping. Then we went to breakfast and NO ONE was there! it was just us and it was a gooooood breakfast that day (aka blueberry bagels, good eggs and omlets, not soggy pancakes, frosted flakes and APPLE JUICE!!) Then we put on our bathing suits and laid outside for 6 hours and napped. It was just one of those days that was just perfect with the perfect people and I will never forget it.

Leaving was beyond hard. I don't know how I cried so much that day; I must have lost 10 lbs. in water weight from tears. My parents and sister came to San Diego and stayed with my dad's sister, my Aunt Linda. When we got off the ship, mommy was crying, of course. Mary’s family wasn't there so my parents offered to take her to lunch. We cried saying goodbye to friends at port. I didn't even say goodbye to my roommate, or Kat because I couldn't handle it. I said goodbye to Jika and it was so hard. We went to the car and dropped off our luggage, then went to lunch at the port. Mary and I told my family stories and I told them how much Mary was there for me and we started crying. While telling stories we would laugh so hard we would cry again. Then we walked back to the car and passed the ship and cried. We held hands in the car and cried. We drove her to the airport and walked her in and cried. Then I had the hiccups and started to laugh. Then we cried. (seriously) Mary told me later on that when she went through security she was crying and one officer said "don't worry, this is just procedure, we don't think you're hiding anything.." and she was balling -- "it's.. sniff.. not.. tear.. THAT... sobbing!!"

The Grand Canyon was fun. Maggie told me her tales of Europe. Mum caught me up on gossip and Daddy caught me up on all the political issues. We only saw my aunt for a night, but she was so sweet and accommodating. The Grand Canyon was beautiful, I must go back to camp and hang glide. Most definitely. I slept a lot and didn't talk about my trip much. I went through changes like coming back from Peru: first people I see are my parents and they know mostly everything, so I don’t talk much. Then I start to see friends and I am still quiet because I don’t know what to say. Then I start seeing more friends and family then I open up. Then all I can do is talk about my trip – “Oh you like shoes? Well this one time in Malaysia I bought shoes.” Then people get bored, or don’t understand what I’m talking about, so I close down again. It’s a roller coaster, but finally it calms down. By then I have my lines I use, the same stories to make people laugh. It’s then normal and part of my life.



PHEW
More later.
xoxoxamanda