Montana

It’s not an escape, it’s a break.

I don’t want to think that my trip to Montana was ‘running away’ from my somewhat depressing and all-consuming adult life in New York. When I am so enveloped in my own world, and suffering within it; it’s best for me to step back, visiting wise friends and stimulating my soul.

And Montana was the perfect spot. Walking in Glacier National Park on a short hike, I felt the stress and tension melt from my shoulders and back. Exchanging living energy with trees and rocks older than I can comprehend released the dying and depressing energy inside of me. Remembering how this earth, regardless of its ups and downs, continually seeks a balance – and survives! How, to quote a wise friend, a tree can grow out of the side of a cliff towards the sun. Though mangled, it has a beauty and strength that is rare. There is even beauty and balance to be found in the death of fallen trees, how other life forms of moss and rodents can survive in its dead corpse, sharing its energy, beauty and recreating life.

And the sky. Those stars. It’s something fully lacking in my city life, reminded of how big the sky is. Seeing the starry skies lent me a feeling of humility and confidence. There is such a huge world out there outside of my demented, twisted selfish warped world. I am not special, suffering alone in this world. My problems are insignificant to the ways of the universe and my character is nothing compared to the complexity of the universe. Humility shoots through me as a star’s death shoots through the sky.

But, statistically speaking, sitting next to my friend, our DNA is 99.9% the same, white females raised in America in good families – yet we are so different due to a various different effects of environments, memories, experiences… and that makes us unique. Makes me unique, and I contribute something unique to this world. I feel a surge of confidence that I could accomplish something true to me that has a positive effect on the world that given me life. And I remember that simple by living, and loving it, I am already offering something positive.

I learned of time. And it’s constructed to be restricting and limiting. Always being taught that productivity is based on hours, I have been living by my clock – defining what train to catch, what time to work, how many hours to sleep, how many hours I should be researching. I forgot how narrowed I have become by not simply enjoying the rain because of a timely engagement.

Though it seems as an opposing statement: there is so little time to do nothing but watch a sunset, but so much time to accomplish great things, like appreciating the sunset. I have become so consumed about doing everything quickly, efficiently, economically – that nothing gets done. I become too worried and upset about timing and planning that I crash. Doing things on my natural time, in the end, makes me more productive – because clearing my head allows for a better focus and a happier outlook. A new wise friend told me to take that piece of Montana back with me – so when I look at my watch, I remember that it doesn’t exist and to relax. Time is a jovial gift, not a sanctioned law.

I learned of feminine energy. Another wise friend told me to use my feminine energy to get her a drink of water at a bar. Initially, I thought she meant my physical assets, but she was thinking of something different. She described it as an energy that I as a female naturally have, that humans respond to, regardless of sex and gender. She said a female could use their feminine energy without selling herself. I wasn’t entirely sure what she meant at the time, but as the weekend progressed, I understood. After receiving horrible news a female friend’s devastating experience of rape, us women gathered to hold hands in prayer and love to send her way.

Our compassionate power was overwhelming. The female energy she described in the bar was a nurturing, caring energy, which naturally radiates from a female in touch with herself. It’s not frailty to cry, it’s a natural, therapeutic release of hormones. Vulnerability is an openness to the world. It’s not weakness to feel compassion, but strength to share love with one suffering. Female virility is not measured in the classic sense of pounds of weight and hours of physical labour, but is easily taken advantage of by those who believe muscle matters. However, this female potency of love, trust and compassion is lethal. She has the endless ability to triumph over acts of violence that try to destroy her heart and becoming even more empowered with infinite love. That power should not be hidden in fear of rape or losing ‘power,’ it should be embraced and appreciated by all. And I will never let someone have the chance to feel my feminine energy without deserving it.

I have been told that I have a great ability to surround myself with people who are good for me and my growth of self awareness, and who I can offer the same. I realize and love that about myself now. Dag Hammarskjöld said, "what gives life its value you can find -- and lose. But never possess. This holds good above all for "the Truth about Life." I found such powerful and true things about myself and the world that I am sure to misplace along my path. But, thought momentary, it existed – and that’s what makes it permanent.