SAS ends, life begins?

End of SAS: It was a mesh of feelings.

One student made a speech of how this was ‘fake’ school: "school brought us to vacation, waited for us at vacation, picked us up from vacation, graded us on what we thought and did on vacation; we had dinner with our profs every night including the archbishop, our school woke us up for class with announcements; we never made our own food, cleaned our bathroom or made our bed... it’s fake! But nothing about the whole experience was fake."

That's the thing - we lived in our own little world. As annoying and restricting the ship was, it was home. I cannot describe to you the relief in your heart when you are in a taxi and you’re not sure if the driver understood what you meant by ‘student ship’. You are tired, scared, sad, dirty and broke and now you think you're lost... then the ship comes into sight, with her blue globe sign and yellow string lights. She offered shelter, food, a bed, a shower, friends and mentors who knew exactly what you were feeling. Even the students -- half the kids on the ship I didn't know but when you saw a SASer on the street in India or at a bar in Beijing; you felt safe and you could talk to them about anything. There was an instant comradery, even if you didn't know their name. We all became so close... then were ripped apart across the states. We have emails and cells, but it's not the same as going down the hall or the piano lounge.

Every moment we learned something, anything – but always something. But it wasn’t the ship; it was our new awareness, our new eyes. As Robert Louis Stevenson said, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.” Each day, on ship and now I realize on land, has its own lesson. Small or large; prodigious days full of excitement, profound moments filled of truth, and simple hours filled with love -- and each one of them are unforgettable and important.

When I first was back, I was angry a lot. A lot a lot. At the world and myself. I tried to ignore it but it would overcome me to a point where I was literally weakened to my knees, bawling. Something so insignificant will trigger and I explode. I got so upset at ignorance, I guess expecting people to know and understand what I do. But those who don't care about the environment or other humans cause me to fume. Especially people on LI -- people I run into at Applebee’s, don't understand why I would shave my head or desire to help the world and things that mean SO MUCH TO ME!! My friends on the ship understood that without my saying it. And I am selfish, I am -- I’ll step all over people who are close to me to get what I want. That's one thing too that I have learned on this trip – a lot about myself. Like my selfishness and laziness and where it comes from, but I also learned about my love of life and my charisma and how it effects people so positively. So I almost feel like if I get my act together and FOCUS!!, I can do so many good things…

And the thing is – I know how to should act. I know that I am blessed with these eyes, this life, this heart. I KNOW that it’s no one’s fault… but I can’t seem to feel that knowledge, or touch it. There were too many lessons on the ship to grasp instantly and now I’m truly understanding things that happened in Peru, in Europe, in New York. My life, my choices, the world and her choices are starting to come into clear view and I cannot find the strength to organize them and put them into effect.

Then I become angry again – at myself for being weak. For not being able to focus to change. It’s a continuous cycle I can’t get out of. My mother made an excellent analogy – it’s like a messy room. I was letting things pile up in my immaturity, not assessing them. Now, with my newly found maturity, I want to organize and improve my life. But it’s been built up so much that I don’t know where to start, become frustrated and ignore it. All those beautiful lessons I collected are sitting there like junk, not being understood and accepted. Though the desire is there, I want to fix it all at once and become the person I want to be all at once…

But that’s no way to clean a room. Unless your Mary Poppins with magical powers to do every at once, or Cinderella with little mice to help. But those are fairy tales, and happy endings are stories that haven’t finished yet. I have to realize my limitations as a human and start in one corner and work my way out. Weakness is not a flaw, it is what makes us human. Just one problem, one step, one day at a time.

…but I seem to LOSE that feeling amoung my reckless way of life. Because that’s me: a beautiful, enchanting disaster who has no idea how she affects people, or herself, with her choices. Therefore continuing the vicious cycle: wanting to change -> angry with myself -> complete weakness -> newfound hope -> back to wanting to change… anger… weak… hope…change…anger…weak…hope…change…anger…weak weak weak weak weak. And I lose the hope.

Forgive my ranting. This is post-loathing after crying to my mother in my kitchen for an hour today. Three cheers for self-pity!! But let’s keep it that way – self pity. I’m not looking for pity through my writing. I’m writing to look for answers for me, and maybe for you. And as weak as I feel by dumping my flaws into cyberspace, I know I have strength to get my feet back solidly on the ground. As always, I need a mega break-down to build myself back up.

And most importantly, I have to remember: that deep within my soul, I know I can achieve what I want. Because once, I did. A year ago I found that power, and some faith. Because last year I felt one moment, a single exquisite moment of selflessness. Selflessness. And I have Adrienne to thank for that. It took me a year to realize it but I do believe there is potential for my goals of perfection. Or at least, close to it.

Again, the word awareness – is key. And I would suggest everyone go on a trip like this – to step outside to understand the inside. Then live inside to understand the outside. SAS was perfect, what I needed to start my life of focus; with one breath, one step, and one smile.

So when people ask the dumb question: “How was your trip around the world?” I simply say: ineffable.

xoxoxamanda

p.s. uruj i love you.